Staff Announcement: The vending machine on Floor 3 has been restocked. Please note that Kibble.com vouchers are not an acceptable form of currency, despite what Dave from Accounting keeps insisting. IT Department: We are aware that someone changed all desktop wallpapers to Zelensky in a Hawaiian shirt. This is not a bug. This is a feature. Health & Safety: A reminder that the ball pit in the break room is for morale purposes only and is NOT a "tactical decompression chamber." Facilities Update: The lobby fountain has been drained after someone filled it with 200 gallons of gravy. Again. Staff Announcement: Please stop submitting expense claims for "treats." The finance department does not recognise "being a good boy" as a billable activity. Security Notice: Tailgating through secure doors is prohibited. This includes physically wagging at the badge reader until someone lets you in. HR Update: A reminder that "Fella" is your official job title. Please stop putting "International Dog of Mystery" on your LinkedIn. Cafeteria Notice: Today's special has been cancelled after the chef discovered that the "wagyu beef" delivery was actually 40kg of Pedigree Chum mislabelled by procurement. Lost & Found: A squeaky toy shaped like a MiG-29 has been found in Conference Room B. Please collect from reception. Staff Announcement: We have received another complaint from the Russian Embassy. Please stop sending bags of shit in the mail. We went over budget in 2025 for stamps by $893,453. Parking Update: Lot C is temporarily closed after someone attempted to bury a HIMARS launcher in the flower bed. Reminder From Finance: Q3 taxpayer funding came through. As always, 94% has been allocated to kibble, 3% to squeaky toys, and 3% to "operations." Please direct complaints to your local government representatives. IT Security: Whoever set the Wi-Fi password to "RussianWarshipGoFuckYourself" we admire the energy but corporate policy requires a number and a special character. Facilities: The shredder on Floor 2 is for documents only. Please stop shredding underwear. Memo From Management: We have received 14 anonymous tips this week that "Dave is acting suspicious." This can't be possible, he is currently on maternity leave and is due to give birth in 2 months. Staff Announcement: The annual Bring Your Human To Work Day has been moved to Friday. Health & Safety: Please stop marking territory around your workstations. We have assigned desks for a reason. Notice From Legal: The phrase "funded by your tax dollars" is to be used exclusively in an ironic capacity. Legal will not be fielding questions about this. Logistics: The 14 pallets of body armour labelled "Emotional Support Vests" have arrived. Please collect from Loading Bay 2. Cafeteria Reminder: The "Borscht of Shame" will continue to be served until morale improves. Staff Announcement: Whoever keeps leaving classified documents in the nap room, this is your final warning. Maintenance: The Roomba on Floor 4 has achieved sentience and is now attending morning briefings. Please do not unplug Gerald. Travel Desk: All flights to The Hague have been booked out by "an unnamed third party." Please plan your war crimes tribunal attendance accordingly. Notice: We are currently experiencing a site-wide tennis ball shortage. This has been classified as a Level 3 emergency. Counselling is available. Staff Announcement: The "Employee of the Month" portrait wall has been vandalised again. Replacing all photos with Budanov is not as funny as you think it is. (It is.) Urgent Memo: A drone was spotted over the parking lot. It was delivering 12kg of beef jerky. Threat level has been downgraded to "delicious." HR Reminder: Counter intelligence does not include sending pictures of flatniks to Russian online blogs. However, keep up the good work. Facilities Request: Whoever installed a doggy door on the United24 postal room, it stays, we love it, but officially we condemn this. Public Affairs: A reminder that when journalists ask you what we do here, the correct answer is "There is no CIA," not "Stealing memes and saving people and shit." We will embarrassingly be featured on the front of the New York Times again tomorrow and Zelensky is furious. Notice From HR: I don't know who needs to hear this, but you cannot expense a $4,200 orthopaedic dog bed as "ergonomic office furniture." (Approved anyway.) Security Alert: Someone left the front gate open again. We now have 6 raccoons in the server room. They have formed a union. Staff Announcement: Whoever parked their F-16 in the disabled spot, can you please remove it or you will be towed. Notice: Staff wages were accidentally overpaid last month by 43,567%. Tracy from HR will be speaking with you all shortly. Kind Reminder: Please do not get Kibble delivered directly to Langley HQ. We currently have 8 tons of excess Kibble and no one has come to claim this. Request For Information: Has anyone seen Dave? Staff Announcement: We are asking kindly, can we please limit the use of lube to 7 litres per person in the sex tunnels. 3 people have drowned this week. Staff Announcement: The vending machine on Floor 3 has been restocked. Please note that Kibble.com vouchers are not an acceptable form of currency, despite what Dave from Accounting keeps insisting. IT Department: We are aware that someone changed all desktop wallpapers to Zelensky in a Hawaiian shirt. This is not a bug. This is a feature. Health & Safety: A reminder that the ball pit in the break room is for morale purposes only and is NOT a "tactical decompression chamber." Facilities Update: The lobby fountain has been drained after someone filled it with 200 gallons of gravy. Again. Staff Announcement: Please stop submitting expense claims for "treats." The finance department does not recognise "being a good boy" as a billable activity. Security Notice: Tailgating through secure doors is prohibited. This includes physically wagging at the badge reader until someone lets you in. HR Update: A reminder that "Fella" is your official job title. Please stop putting "International Dog of Mystery" on your LinkedIn. Cafeteria Notice: Today's special has been cancelled after the chef discovered that the "wagyu beef" delivery was actually 40kg of Pedigree Chum mislabelled by procurement. Lost & Found: A squeaky toy shaped like a MiG-29 has been found in Conference Room B. Please collect from reception. Staff Announcement: We have received another complaint from the Russian Embassy. Please stop sending bags of shit in the mail. We went over budget in 2025 for stamps by $893,453. Parking Update: Lot C is temporarily closed after someone attempted to bury a HIMARS launcher in the flower bed. Reminder From Finance: Q3 taxpayer funding came through. As always, 94% has been allocated to kibble, 3% to squeaky toys, and 3% to "operations." Please direct complaints to your local government representatives. IT Security: Whoever set the Wi-Fi password to "RussianWarshipGoFuckYourself" we admire the energy but corporate policy requires a number and a special character. Facilities: The shredder on Floor 2 is for documents only. Please stop shredding underwear. Memo From Management: We have received 14 anonymous tips this week that "Dave is acting suspicious." This can't be possible, he is currently on maternity leave and is due to give birth in 2 months. Staff Announcement: The annual Bring Your Human To Work Day has been moved to Friday. Health & Safety: Please stop marking territory around your workstations. We have assigned desks for a reason. Notice From Legal: The phrase "funded by your tax dollars" is to be used exclusively in an ironic capacity. Legal will not be fielding questions about this. Logistics: The 14 pallets of body armour labelled "Emotional Support Vests" have arrived. Please collect from Loading Bay 2. Cafeteria Reminder: The "Borscht of Shame" will continue to be served until morale improves. Staff Announcement: Whoever keeps leaving classified documents in the nap room, this is your final warning. Maintenance: The Roomba on Floor 4 has achieved sentience and is now attending morning briefings. Please do not unplug Gerald. Travel Desk: All flights to The Hague have been booked out by "an unnamed third party." Please plan your war crimes tribunal attendance accordingly. Notice: We are currently experiencing a site-wide tennis ball shortage. This has been classified as a Level 3 emergency. Counselling is available. Staff Announcement: The "Employee of the Month" portrait wall has been vandalised again. Replacing all photos with Budanov is not as funny as you think it is. (It is.) Urgent Memo: A drone was spotted over the parking lot. It was delivering 12kg of beef jerky. Threat level has been downgraded to "delicious." HR Reminder: Counter intelligence does not include sending pictures of flatniks to Russian online blogs. However, keep up the good work. Facilities Request: Whoever installed a doggy door on the United24 postal room, it stays, we love it, but officially we condemn this. Public Affairs: A reminder that when journalists ask you what we do here, the correct answer is "There is no CIA," not "Stealing memes and saving people and shit." We will embarrassingly be featured on the front of the New York Times again tomorrow and Zelensky is furious. Notice From HR: I don't know who needs to hear this, but you cannot expense a $4,200 orthopaedic dog bed as "ergonomic office furniture." (Approved anyway.) Security Alert: Someone left the front gate open again. We now have 6 raccoons in the server room. They have formed a union. Staff Announcement: Whoever parked their F-16 in the disabled spot, can you please remove it or you will be towed. Notice: Staff wages were accidentally overpaid last month by 43,567%. Tracy from HR will be speaking with you all shortly. Kind Reminder: Please do not get Kibble delivered directly to Langley HQ. We currently have 8 tons of excess Kibble and no one has come to claim this. Request For Information: Has anyone seen Dave? Staff Announcement: We are asking kindly, can we please limit the use of lube to 7 litres per person in the sex tunnels. 3 people have drowned this week.